Relative Offended by Couple's Change to Wedding Plans - Dear Abby (2024)

On the last day of the RSVP deadline, the couple sent out a postcard stating: "Change of plans! After much consideration, we have decided to have a private wedding ceremony. Meet at the reception as planned."

I think it's extremely rude and presumptuous to be expected to travel a great distance at a hefty expense only to find out that guests are now excluded from the actual wedding. I'm trying to make sense of this awkward situation. Any advice? -- LEFT AT THE DOOR

DEAR LEFT: Yes, I do have a bit of advice for you. Because you are unhappy with the change of plans and find them to be "rude and presumptuous," send a congratulatory card to the happy couple that reads: "Change of plans: Sorry, we will be unable to attend your reception, but we wish you all the best!" (Their plans changed; so can yours.)

DEAR ABBY: Am I obligated to give people a free ride just because I am going to the same place or in the same direction? Too often people who barely speak to us suddenly remember we exist when they want something, especially if they or their child needs a ride somewhere.

Sometimes, they give lame excuses like, "Oh. I'm almost out of gas." Other times it's that they have chosen to do something else -- like go to a party -- instead of picking up their child. I don't mind helping occasionally, but it's to the point where I feel these people know they can do whatever else they wish because they know I'll pick up the slack. I'm tired of being the chauffeur. I don't want to make waves, but how can I say no? -- UNHAPPY DRIVER IN LOUISIANA

DEAR DRIVER: Here's how. The next time you feel imposed upon, speak up and just say NO, that it isn't convenient. Do not feel obligated to go into detail or lie about why not. If this makes waves, it means that your relationship with that person wasn't friendship, but transactional.

DEAR READERS: Happy St. Patrick's Day.

May you always have

A sunbeam to warm you

Good luck to charm you

And a sheltering angel

So nothing can harm you.

Laughter to cheer you

Faithful friends near you

And whenever you pray,

Heaven to hear you.

LOVE, ABBY

DEAR ABBY: My daughter was 4 when we adopted her. She's 23 now, going to college and moving into an apartment soon. She has been the center of our lives, since our older children are grown. We have supported her through abandonment issues, lost boyfriends, school, everything. We went through cancer treatment with her. She acts like things are good here.

About a year ago, she met a man who worked at a resort where we vacationed. They traded contact information, and then the lies began. She'd tell us she was traveling "with the girls" when she was flying to another state. The man is here on a student visa. He may not be able to stay. His Plan B is most certainly marriage.

We mentioned this possibility to her, but when we did, she became angry and defensive. She dredges up things from years ago to deflect and blame. His family is courting her, sending her gifts for every holiday. She just returned this week from another visit. She doesn't talk about him. But when I was putting something in her room, I saw what looked like an engagement ring.

How am I supposed to feel when she keeps these secrets? We've given her every opportunity -- travel soccer, dance, band, camps, even sent her to Europe on a tour with band members. We pay for her college and her every need. I am hurt, and I don't know what this means for the future, since we've only met him once, for five minutes. -- BEWILDERED IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR BEWILDERED: Your daughter's lying and unwillingness to be open about her plans is a character flaw. People who are proud of what they are doing don't lie about it. It's time you and your spouse sit your daughter down for a serious question-and-answer session with her -- and possibly her boyfriend.

First among them, why all the secrecy? If they are serious about each other (as the ring would indicate), why have you not met his family? Does she plan to complete her education? If so, does she expect you to continue paying for it? You are entitled to some straight answers, and I sincerely hope you get them. That information will give you a clue about how to proceed from here.

DEAR ABBY: I am in a relationship with a man of substantial means. I'm well-educated, but never made a lot of money from my education. My money comes from a relationship I had with a man who died a year and a half ago.

I think I may be in love with my current beau, but he has never loved anyone from the middle class. We both have children from previous marriages. I have grandchildren as well. Should I let nature take its course, or become more assertive in pursuing more out of our relationship? -- TENTATIVE IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR TENTATIVE: Although you may be tempted to become more assertive about pursuing "more," take the slower route and get to know this "substantial" gentleman better. He may or may not be biased against folks from less fortunate circ*mstances, but you won't know unless you give yourself the time to see what develops.

DEAR ABBY: Three years ago, our 40-year-old daughter, "Tanya," suddenly accused me of abusing her during her childhood. She also accused my husband, her dad, of enabling this abuse. Abby, the abuse never happened!

Could some therapist have planted these ideas in her head? Tanya has problems with alcohol (which she blames on me) and has been divorced from two wonderful men who she claims also abused her. She can't maintain friendships with women because as soon as they do something that makes Tanya mad, she cuts them off.

Our other daughter, "Nadia," is three years younger. She doesn't have an alcohol problem and has a great husband and a toddler. Tanya has cut her off as well and has never met her brother-in-law or nephew. Nadia says her childhood was idyllic. Neither child lives near us.

My husband is living with incurable cancer, which Tanya knew before she excommunicated us. I don't know if I should inform her when her father dies, or let her find out through others on Facebook. My husband and I and Nadia don't use Facebook, but relatives do, and I am sure they will make it known.

I am torn about this. Tanya has hurt all of us repeatedly for so many years that we all agree that life is more pleasant without her around us. However, I'm afraid not telling her will cause more problems. Advice? -- DAMNED BOTH WAYS IN ILLINOIS

DEAR DAMNED: You stated that Tanya has "excommunicated" you, her father and her sister. She appears to be an angry and bitter woman who needs to find someone other than herself to blame for her unhappiness. She's unlikely to improve without professional help or an alcohol intervention.

When your husband passes, I'm hoping you will write her a brief letter explaining that you want her to know her father loved her. Give her the date of his passing, his obituary and the location of his final resting place. If you do, your conscience should be clear. What, if anything, she decides to do with that information is up to her.

DEAR ABBY: I had a long and wonderful marriage before my husband passed away after a lengthy illness three years ago. I have supportive friends to go to lunch and coffee with, but I miss the companionship of a special someone. One of them is a man I have known for many years. He has been a widower for more than 10 years. He has dated several women with no commitments and is always a gentleman.

Before my husband's passing, he once said if I wasn't married, he would call me. He hasn't contacted me. How can I contact him without seeming aggressive? He has said that he's pleased with his current companion because there is "no drama." Please advise how an elegant lady can call him on the phone (he doesn't use email). -- CLASSY IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR CLASSY: Consider this: Throw a small party and invite some of your friends to join you. Then, pick up the phone and ask this gentleman if he and his lady friend would like to join you. There is no reason you can't be friends, as long as you realize he is involved with someone else (for now).